The reason I started this blog in the first place is because I wanted to tell the story of our sweet baby and work through the feelings and emotions that come with a miscarriage. Miscarriages are so common and yet very few people talk about them. In fact I had to google and search through youtube videos to try to find other people’s stories to see what to expect as far as when things should happen, what will it feel like and how to heal emotionally after the fact.

Our story: We had been trying to conceive baby #2 for 6 months when we finally got pregnant. I know 6 months is not a long time but when you want something really bad and have zero control over whether or not it happens it is hard. So when we found out at 8dpo (days past ovulation) we were so excited! I know that they say there is no way to tell if you are pregnant that early but I just knew we were expecting a few days after it happened. Everything started the same as my first pregnancy- I felt sick to my stomach, I was SO tired and my stomach just felt heavy. I kept testing and the line kept getting darker-all good signs- right?

Finally, it was time for our first ultrasound. We were 9.5, almost 10 weeks pregnant so I assumed that we were in the clear-no bleeding or cramping and by 8 weeks the baby should have a heartbeat. I woke up that day just feeling so anxious and only a little excited. I never felt that way with Olivia. We get to the appointment and she puts the wand over my belly and immediately I feel my stomach sink. That’s not what we were supposed to see. On the screen there was a big almost-empty sac and a little white ball. The baby had stopped growing at around 5.5 weeks 😦 My body had continued to carry the baby and pretend that I was still pregnant. We were devastated. They said that we had had a missed miscarriage and that we will either miscarriage naturally soon or I would need to have a D and C.

The night after our ultrasound I started cramping and bleeding and I knew what was happening, the miscarriage was finally starting to happen. I kept bleeding for 2 days and it wasn’t until November 8th that the baby passed. I woke up around 4 am to contractions. The real deal (I’ve had a baby before so I know exactly how painful they are). They were intense and painful -just like real labor. I had contractions every few minutes for 3 hours before the baby finally passed.

Talking about this traumatic event and writing about it has been a way for me to get through this, to process and to remember everything about this little one and the pregnancy. From the journal entry from the day of—- Our sweet baby passed today around 6:30am and I instantky dropped to my knees in tears. Today was the last day that I got to carry you. I’m so blessed that I got to be your mom and carry you for as long as I did. You forever changed our lives little one. We will forever love, miss and wonder who you would’ve been.”

So, if you’ve had a miscarriage first and foremost -I’m so sorry 😦 Please know that you did NOT cause this, you can grieve and be sad about this-it IS a loss. You’ve lost a child, and a future that you most likely have already started picturing. I chose to get an ornament to remember this child- this little girl that we’ll never get to meet on this Earth. (We did blood testing for gender around 8 weeks). I hope that if you are going through this now or have already- that you are NOT alone.